Housekeeping:
I’ve gotten some requests to do a few teen-type events and should mention my memoir Bird Milk & Mosquito Bones is absolutely appropriate for ages 10/12+! My own son read and loved it, and it’s been a lovely way in to so many incredible conversations about race/class/geopolitics/identity/art. There is exactly one topless maniac in it, but they’ve all seen boobs before. And I’ll be in Toronto doing an event with Sarah Hagi at Another Story next week! Come see us 7/30 at 6:30pm, there will be big laughs and deep thoughts.
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Hi Pals,
As we left for LAX on Sunday, I was excited about a couple of things. One was getting to my parents’ from the Detroit airport and diving into the fridge to eat Mum’s cooking. Not only because I love it, but because we’re far enough into summer that I welcome any home-cooked meal that appears without my having to activate a single brain cell.
The other is that my parents have a bunch of relatives in town for a family event, and my Masis—Mum’s sisters—are around for one of my favorite rituals. Almost without fail, I forget to pack anything to sleep in. My Masis run back to their suitcases to pull out an assortment of “maxis,” which is what Desi women of a certain age (and region) call nightgowns. On them, these gowns reach their ankles. “This one won’t be short, will it?” I ask every time, and they tut - nooooo, it’s very long, too long. I was tripping! I put it on, and then they stand around me in a circle—engineers, all of them—muttering about why it only reaches mid-shin. It’s been repeated every time we get together, for decades now, and I shared with my husband that I strangely couldn’t wait to get put in a too-short maxi by my Masis.
But the global IT outage had other ideas, and our flight was delayed, and then canceled, while we spent seven annoying hours at the airport. The confused message we were given every 20 minutes was that we were “waiting on a pilot,” which we soon understood to mean for a pilot to be assigned to the flight, thanks to glitches in their crew software. 65% of Delta flights were cancelled or delayed on Sunday, so at least we weren’t alone, but I booked the first available direct flight out (Spirit, 5:45am two days later, with kids) and hoped for the best.
I had just resolved—in this newsletter even—to accept the emotional speedbumps of summer, but there’s nothing like being gaslit at the airport to test one’s resolve. And one bright light was my ten-year-old, who I’ve been encouraging (begging) to develop a rich internal life. I didn’t think he was listening, but when I asked him how he patiently waited for that long without distraction or complaint, he said he went to his “time is an illusion” headspace, and thought about other stuff.
They unloaded the plane — which took an additional 90 minutes — we got home, and it was, once again somehow, dinner time, for which I had to be an adult. I scowled into the fridge, scrambled some eggs, toasted some bagel, and called it “breakfast for dinner.” My mother’s cooking it was not.
We made it to Michigan, where I had a delightful, packed(!) reading at Literati Books with the brilliant Lillian Li (Of Number One Chinese Restaurant, and a second novel soon). The People’s Princess Sam Irby drove across the state so we could finally meet in person! I caught up with friends I’ve known for decades—ask me how many acres they all live on in Ann Arbor—and I spent today running errands in verdant, traffic-free suburban Detroit, feeling my jaw unclench.
I ran away from Michigan twenty years ago so that I could figure out who I was without my parents around. I went to find myself in LA, and return now a writer, mother, partner, my sense of self as solid as a tree trunk. My nervous system is so happy here, I always think. The kids love the day camp they come back to every summer. The schools are great. We could also live on acres.
But is my happiness here about the actual state of Michigan? Partly, yes. Do you know about our governor? Or our state motto? It’s “If you seek a pleasant peninsula, look about you.” Was that not written specifically to relax the nervous system?? But I’m also just starting to feel able to lean on my loved ones, after 20 years of a fierce and sometimes lonely independence.
Unfortunately, my knee-jerk response to most offers of help is to treat is as an insult, or a vote of no-confidence. And then, at the end of another exhausting day, I wonder why I’m so drained. My husband and I talk about this all the time, and we’ve at least reached the point where he offers me a cup of tea, and instead of saying “I’ll make it myself,” I say “yes, thank you - I really appreciate that.” If interdependence is the goal — I envision two birch saplings leaning on each other, stronger against a wind—it’s something I hope to achieve in all of my relationships someday, but will take a lot of de-programming.
For now, I walk into the kitchen, after putting the kids to sleep, and find Mum and her sisters chatting around the kitchen island. I mention my need for a nightgown, and they scurry off and bring back some options. I pick one of Asha Masi’s, covered in bold red flowers, and stopping just above the ankle. I wear it to bed, feeling taken care of. I don’t mention I packed pajamas.
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Recs:
Why are these crackers so delicious? I can’t stop eating them.
New favorite dry shampoo alert for ladies with superfine hair! Not sticky, not gross, smells relatively acceptable.
This little makeup stick is so great - 2 seconds to swipe on cheeks and lips, and I look wide awake and open to possibility, even when I feel more trash raccoon.
I received the ISDIN KP cream (the active ingredient is urea) and it works GREAT. And unlike all other KP creams I’ve tried, it smells good and isn’t sticky.
I have been on the road and wanting to look tidy. This pleated skirt (pair with a cute top and sneakers) is saving me.
Advice, aka stuff I just figured out and will share with you in real time:
Writing: I’ve heard from so many people who want to write about their families, and are wondering how to begin. A family history is a daunting task! To them I say, start with writing down 10 stories that your family tells and re-tells. Then investigate why they’re important, emotionally, and as part of the family narrative. What does it say about your shared values? What did anyone lose or gain from it? Does everyone remember it differently? Why is it told in this one specific way, then? It’s reporter work, but even more fun :)
Life: We got asked the funniest question during an “unsolicited advice” session at my Susan Alexandra event with the delightful Bess Kalb, and it was “how do you make friends as an adult?” The real answer is I’ll talk to anyone, and I have 35 years of practice winning over strangers. But the important part is that I give potential friends like 10% of my worst self: overshare-y, gossipy, or just weird. A little taste of wild card outside of normal first-impression friendly. And if that doesn’t spook them, they’re keepers. I think of it less as a test than a filter, but try it.
Kids: I have very very strong opinions about a certain stressful lady who gives parenting advice online. But I’ve been thinking about her definition of entitlement.
Cries for help:
Any writers out there good at…uh…organizing your writing? Where do I put all these scraps? Help.
Thank you for your notecard recs! I ended up going back to the scene of the betrayal (Papier) and buying these cuties. They’re good, right? Also got these as backup and they’re lovely.
Food:
PLEASE stop drinking the stupid Hailey Bieber smoothie and drink this instead! Serves 1, but you can batch-make as a breakfast or group snack in a blender.
1/2 banana (ideally frozen)
2 tbsp peanut butter
1/2 tbsp cocoa power (I love Guittard for this)
2 scoops unsweetened whey protein powder (I love Tera’s)
1 tbsp ground flax
1 tbsp ground chia
1 drop stevia
2.5 cups almond milk
3-4 ice cubes, if the banana isn’t frozen
Blend it all up (I love my Nutribullet) It’s got your omegas, tastes like dessert, and doesn’t cause a glucose spike (I have PCOS and wear a glucose monitor). Kids love it! I also have a great mango version and blueberry and coconut I’ll share in future. xo
Priyanka- Congrats on the book. Your question on organizing writing is something everyone (myself include) should more often ask. Hope you're well this week. Cheers, -Thalia.
There can never be too many reminders to accept help! Thank you.
If you're willing to share, I'm curious what language you've used to communicate the "get a (rich interior) life" message. (Also here for your very very strong thoughts on Stressful Parenting Lady).
Your stationary positively twinkles! A recc for the future -- I love the mehendi inspired font designed by Badal Patel here: https://www.bybadal.com/photo/adara. She used it to design some stationary for my wedding that I was (and am years later still) so smitten with! There are a few other stationary options in her shop that are also South Asian inspired